The initial question posted is a very old Internet joke. The "response" is completely mine.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance--particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, NASCAR 500.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
BSOD in Newark
Your situation is quite familiar to us. While there are many advantages of the Husband 1.0 upgrade, easily 50-60% of our customers experience an inevitable decrease in system performance. This is initially due to the fact that Boyfriend 5.0 is a robust program designed for development purposes, whereas the Husband 1.0 is more streamlined and sometimes does not work well with the numerous add-on features that are less likely to run with Boyfriend 5.0. As with any application, each add-in increases the risk of a shutdown.
One question we do have is whether you notice (via Task Manager) whether the SexDrive.dll process is still running. One unfortunate bug we have found is that uninstalling Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 does not always remove the SexDrive.dll; in fact in some instances it actually remains in active memory, steadily consuming system resources and eventually results in a similar crash.
You may want to try the following solutions:
- Check your Scheduled Tasks list and verify that the AuntFlo.prd task is running. While this is about 80% successful in killing the SexDrive.dll process, it unfortunately can only be executed every 28 days, which limits its usefulness. It also has the occasional chance of overloading Nagging 5.3, with the aforementioned Husband 1.0 shutdown. Some of our customers who run OrtNovum.exe notice that this task stops executing. This is the first step I recommend you taking.
- Install the Body Weight Plug-in. If you increase the LBS setting to 10, sometimes this will either decrease or kill the SexDrive.dll memory consumption. However, in many instances we have found that it has the opposite effect, actually prioritizing the Body Weight process to the point where Body Weight consumes most of the available system resources. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you may want to try the Plug-In cautiously and in small increments to determine if this is the case.
- Run CashFlow 2.0 with the "-$" command line switch. You will see a decrease in resource use by Golf Clubs 4.1, but may unintentionally add consumption by NFL, NBA and NASCAR. Again, sometimes SexDrive.dll and BudLite.exe remains constant or increases resource utilization in a negative CashFlow environment, so use this option with caution.
- A memory upgrade such as our Vegas 3.4b2 (with or without the Victoria's Secret plug-ins) package can be helpful in correcting SexDrive.dll issues but requires an investment of resources on your part. There are also other upgrades available in our "Adult" section (Doc Johnson being one of the more popular ones) which may be of assistance, but these tend to conflict with CashFlow if not used sparingly.
Also know that Vegas--while occasionally augmenting CashFlow--is unstable, and we've found that 50-60% of the time results in a General Protection Fault 0X33029A9320 (nicknamed "EPT") which will automatically install Baby 0.5 in 8-9 months. I refer you to the Advanced User Guide on our Support page for information on handling this event.
We have noted in many instances that detection of the fetus.dll process by Husband 1.0 will occasionally overload SexDrive.dll within 3-4 months to the point where the interface port of Husband 1.0 overheats, but it also has the side effect of reinstalling Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 (these processes often remain resident in system memory 24 hours a day). The Ultrasound 0.7 patch often enhances this effect, sometimes decreasing the resource needs of SexDrive.dll with additional applications. Be careful to limit the usage of TacoBell.exe after 9pm during this period.
There is only way to truly kill SexDrive.dll, but it can have serious consequences.
- Install the Visiting InLaw 2.3 add-on. This process is very unpredictable, and runs anywhere from 1 to 20 days depending on your overall system environment. There is no known way to override this add-on; it has to self-terminate unless you physically remove it, which in some cases prevents it from being run again. It will definitely kill SexDrive.dll but can have an unexpected impact on the stability of Husband 1.0, preventing Conversation and Romance from even being recognized by the system, as Husband 1.0's security features interpret any of these processes as additional instances of Nagging 5.3, resulting in system shutdown or launches Vegas 3.4b2 with the "+nospouse" command line trigger, removing Husband 1.0 from the operating environment temporarily. This may also result in unexpected activity with the CashFlow program. Be wary in this case and ensure you check the CashFlow system log for any instances of "BunnyRanch.Com".
- If you do notice the BunnyRanch.com or similar logged instance, we recommend running an anti-viral scan before interfacing with Husband 1.0.
I wish you luck in your efforts to improve the performance of Husband 1.0. Properly maintained, it is a very reliable program which will give you many years of successful use.